Live Streaming?

 

I gotta say, you dudes just crack me up when you stare at your cellphone, even while standing at the urinal in the men’s room.

Really, my man? You really can’t break away long enough to simply take a leak? What are you watching, a how-to video?

Frankly, I’m surprised you found the urinal. You could very well be peeing on the bathroom wall and have no idea. Or even found one where someone’s already standing, and right now, you’re ruining his new pants which DIDN’T COME CHEAP, PAL!

Besides, this looks like a dangerous practice to me. What if you drop that phone?

Myself, I think I would just leave it there and go buy a new one.

Maybe you have more confidence in your grip than I do. (On the phone, I mean.)

Look, guys, I know it’s a boring chore but, come on, we’ve done it for centuries without needing the entertainment of a phone. Just pause whatever you’re doing on there and take care of business, for Pete’s sake. It’s safer, not to mention, less stressful. For me, that is.

 

Which makes me wonder something else…

Do you fellas even put that phone down long enough for sex?

I mean, we’re talking roughly the same amount of time, right?

 

The Pen Is Mightier Than the Camera

I love this woman.

She’s an anchor on an Australian newscast who realizes just a bit too late she’s back on the air. Her reaction is priceless:

https://www.theguardian.com/media/2017/apr/11/abc-newsreader-natasha-exelby-taken-off-air-after-television-blooper-goes-viral?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

Just a little reminder for everyone (especially myself), we all goof up sometimes.

Only, it’s not usually as funny.

P.S. – I wouldn’t fly on United if I were you.

Embrace the Madness

 

No, this isn’t about my depression.

I’m talking March Madness. The NCAA Men’s and Women’s Basketball Championships. It’s quite a spectacle; if you haven’t observed it before, it’s worth checking out.

What happens is, at the end of the regular season, a committee selects all the teams that will play in the tournament, based on criteria such as win-loss record, strength of schedule, favorite uniform colors, noise of school band, personal hygiene, etc. Approximately 2,000 teams are selected, (slight exaggeration, but it sure seems like that many) and paired up according to how they potentially match up against each other. It’s like match.com for college basketball.

And then they all play at once! But that’s OK if you have access to several video screens; you’ll be able to keep track of Duke vs. UCLA on one screen, and Upper Eastern Middle Hacksaw State vs. Our Lady of Airballs on another.

(Our Lady of Airballs, incidentally, is such a small school that this season, their team included two high school boys and the mascot. The mascot led the team in scoring.)

The thing is, all the games are elimination games, so the field whittles down quickly, from 2,000 teams to just two, who then play for the championship. That means any team, on any given day, can beat any other team. (not really, everybody just likes to believe that, but come on!) Some surprises happen along the way, though; some teams that were favored to go a long way in the tournament get “upset” by teams that basically weren’t given much of a chance. The reason those games are known as “upsets” is because all the people that filled out brackets get really upset when those happen.

What are brackets, you ask? Don’t.

Too late. You already did.

 

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Gives you a headache just looking at it, right? But lots of people – normally sane people – fill these things out, predicting the winners of all the games, and then bet money on them! Hence, the “Madness.”

Of course, many of these folks won’t stop with just one bracket. They may fill out dozens of these things, greatly increasing their odds of winning some big money…

…or of being locked away in a sanitarium.

Okay. Time to get crazy. Take it away, band!!

A Big Cat In The Front Seat

For all my fellow cat lovin’ friends out there:

Archimedes the Cat

Namaste and G’Day,

Front Seat
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a tiger in the front seat.
“What are you doing with that tiger?” He exclaimed, “You should take it to the zoo.”
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the tiger again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
“I thought you were going to take that tiger to the zoo!”
The man replied, “I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”

I am not sure of the source of this joke, but I love it. Thanks.

Remember, big cats  are cats, too!

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Like, No.

 

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Okay, all you Millennials out there, listen to me for a minute:

Please, please, for the sake of my sanity, consider expanding your vocabulary, so that every other word out of your mouth isn’t, “like.”

The first quote below is from a young lady who was just on my shuttle. The second is from my brain.

“I was, like…and then he, like…so I, like…and it was like, all, like really weird, like, you know, like…”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!”

Do yourself, and the rest of us, a favor, dear: go sign up for English as a Second Language.

Like, right away.

The rest of you, you’re welcome.

That White Stuff

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For my fellow Texans: This is called snow.

I know some of you have never seen it before.

We don’t get much of it around here, so when it shows up, we feel like declaring a national holiday.

Yaaaay, the snow is here!! It’s a winter wonderland! Snowball fights! Downhill sledding! Snow angels! Writing your name!

Yes, we like to get out and frolic and play in the snow, BUT…

…we keep an eye to the sky because, if we get a heavy accumulation, (like one to two inches) we’re hibernating.

That’s right, folks. We go on Lockdown and wait it out, surviving only on our wits and the most basic essentials: food, internet and cable TV.

A few intrepid individuals will venture out onto the roads, but they will invariably leave one thing at home.

Their common sense.

We Texans see anything on the road, we immediately go into full panic mode. The first thing we do is slam the brakes, always the safest move.

And when I say anything, I’m including rain, snow, sleet, volcanic ash…

Wait, scratch that. No volcanoes around here.

All you Northerners (known affectionately to us as Yankees) will, of course, chortle spitefully at our plight, claiming dismissively to have seen larger accumulations of dandruff.

Yeah, well you can all flake off!!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go out and chop down a few more trees for firewood. Maybe rassle a grizzly bear while I’m at it.

See you at Spring Thaw. Or, if you have a lisp, Spring Saw.