The Pen Is Mightier Than the Camera

I love this woman.

She’s an anchor on an Australian newscast who realizes just a bit too late she’s back on the air. Her reaction is priceless:

https://www.theguardian.com/media/2017/apr/11/abc-newsreader-natasha-exelby-taken-off-air-after-television-blooper-goes-viral?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

Just a little reminder for everyone (especially myself), we all goof up sometimes.

Only, it’s not usually as funny.

P.S. – I wouldn’t fly on United if I were you.

Embrace the Madness

 

No, this isn’t about my depression.

I’m talking March Madness. The NCAA Men’s and Women’s Basketball Championships. It’s quite a spectacle; if you haven’t observed it before, it’s worth checking out.

What happens is, at the end of the regular season, a committee selects all the teams that will play in the tournament, based on criteria such as win-loss record, strength of schedule, favorite uniform colors, noise of school band, personal hygiene, etc. Approximately 2,000 teams are selected, (slight exaggeration, but it sure seems like that many) and paired up according to how they potentially match up against each other. It’s like match.com for college basketball.

And then they all play at once! But that’s OK if you have access to several video screens; you’ll be able to keep track of Duke vs. UCLA on one screen, and Upper Eastern Middle Hacksaw State vs. Our Lady of Airballs on another.

(Our Lady of Airballs, incidentally, is such a small school that this season, their team included two high school boys and the mascot. The mascot led the team in scoring.)

The thing is, all the games are elimination games, so the field whittles down quickly, from 2,000 teams to just two, who then play for the championship. That means any team, on any given day, can beat any other team. (not really, everybody just likes to believe that, but come on!) Some surprises happen along the way, though; some teams that were favored to go a long way in the tournament get “upset” by teams that basically weren’t given much of a chance. The reason those games are known as “upsets” is because all the people that filled out brackets get really upset when those happen.

What are brackets, you ask? Don’t.

Too late. You already did.

 

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Gives you a headache just looking at it, right? But lots of people – normally sane people – fill these things out, predicting the winners of all the games, and then bet money on them! Hence, the “Madness.”

Of course, many of these folks won’t stop with just one bracket. They may fill out dozens of these things, greatly increasing their odds of winning some big money…

…or of being locked away in a sanitarium.

Okay. Time to get crazy. Take it away, band!!

A Big Cat In The Front Seat

For all my fellow cat lovin’ friends out there:

Archimedes the Cat

Namaste and G’Day,

Front Seat
A policeman in the big city stops a man in a car with a tiger in the front seat.
“What are you doing with that tiger?” He exclaimed, “You should take it to the zoo.”
The following week, the same policeman sees the same man with the tiger again in the front seat, with both of them wearing sunglasses. The policeman pulls him over.
“I thought you were going to take that tiger to the zoo!”
The man replied, “I did. We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”

I am not sure of the source of this joke, but I love it. Thanks.

Remember, big cats  are cats, too!

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Like, No.

 

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Okay, all you Millennials out there, listen to me for a minute:

Please, please, for the sake of my sanity, consider expanding your vocabulary, so that every other word out of your mouth isn’t, “like.”

The first quote below is from a young lady who was just on my shuttle. The second is from my brain.

“I was, like…and then he, like…so I, like…and it was like, all, like really weird, like, you know, like…”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!”

Do yourself, and the rest of us, a favor, dear: go sign up for English as a Second Language.

Like, right away.

The rest of you, you’re welcome.

That White Stuff

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For my fellow Texans: This is called snow.

I know some of you have never seen it before.

We don’t get much of it around here, so when it shows up, we feel like declaring a national holiday.

Yaaaay, the snow is here!! It’s a winter wonderland! Snowball fights! Downhill sledding! Snow angels! Writing your name!

Yes, we like to get out and frolic and play in the snow, BUT…

…we keep an eye to the sky because, if we get a heavy accumulation, (like one to two inches) we’re hibernating.

That’s right, folks. We go on Lockdown and wait it out, surviving only on our wits and the most basic essentials: food, internet and cable TV.

A few intrepid individuals will venture out onto the roads, but they will invariably leave one thing at home.

Their common sense.

We Texans see anything on the road, we immediately go into full panic mode. The first thing we do is slam the brakes, always the safest move.

And when I say anything, I’m including rain, snow, sleet, volcanic ash…

Wait, scratch that. No volcanoes around here.

All you Northerners (known affectionately to us as Yankees) will, of course, chortle spitefully at our plight, claiming dismissively to have seen larger accumulations of dandruff.

Yeah, well you can all flake off!!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go out and chop down a few more trees for firewood. Maybe rassle a grizzly bear while I’m at it.

See you at Spring Thaw. Or, if you have a lisp, Spring Saw.

Pass the Antacids

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Thanksgiving Day is approaching, America. 🦃  The time of year to reflect on things and people in your life to be thankful for; chief among them, elastic waistbands.

Because, no doubt, you’re gonna be shoveling in a lot of tasty food. If your family is like mine, they make absolutely certain there is no possibility whatsoever of running out of vittles. Even if a hundred guests come over.

I’m reasonably sure Thanksgiving is a holiday that was created by the makers of Rolaids.

Anyways, as you gather this year with the ones you love, (or the ones you don’t, but were forced to be with, anyway) here are a few things on which to ponder:

Exactly who and what am I thankful for?

If they’re people, do I ever tell them I’m thankful for them?

Am I thankful all the time, or just one day a year?

Do I ever give anyone reason to be thankful for me?

Am I sure I’ve got no room for one more slice of pie?

Where has Dak Prescott been all my life? (Go, Cowboys!!)

Seriously, though, I hope all of you get to spend some quality time with people who are special to you, and truly enjoy the pleasure of each other’s company. (Might want to avoid the political discussions this year, though. 😬) If you’re driving somewhere, be careful on the road. If you’re flying somewhere, I sincerely hope you have no baggage to claim. If everybody’s coming to your place, stock up on Charmin.

 

One thing you should NOT be thankful for: retail stores that start their Black Friday on Thanksgiving Day.

All those workers deserve a day home with their families, and to deny them that is to demonstrate just how greedy and heartless these retailers are. I’m not giving any of them my business on Thursday, and I hope you don’t, either.

In fact, why don’t we just eliminate Black Friday, altogether? I mean, nearly every one of them begins with some poor shopper getting trampled to death by a mob in front of a store when it opens its doors. It’s just insane. Honestly, stores, if you’re that dependent on one really big sales day, your prices are obviously too freakin’ high the rest of the year.

Put that on your register and scan it!

 

Well, enough about that, friends. I’d like to wish y’all a Happy (urp) Thanksgiving. 🙂

Don’t let the grandkids club each other with the turkey legs.🍗

And if liquor is part of your celebration, please designate a driver so everyone stays safe.

Bless you all. I’m putting on my stretch pants.

 

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Short Cuts

From the Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 10/19/2016:

“Cowboys receiver Dez Bryant, who missed the past three games with a hairline fracture in his right knee, had his much anticipated return to practice Wednesday aborted because of a cut finger on his right hand.

“Bryant said he injured himself slicing carrots while making soup at home.”

From Sports Illustrated, 10/15/16:

“Indians pitcher Trevor Bauer will have his start pushed back from Game 2 of the ALCS to Game 3 after cutting his right pinky finger while repairing a drone, team president Chris Antonetti told WTAM in Cleveland.”

Okay, all you pro athletes out there, who depend on your hands for a living:

STEP AWAY FROM THE SHARP OBJECTS!!

Let Us All Bow Our Heads and Play

Honestly, people…

What did we ever do before we had cellphones?

When we actually had to go more than two minutes without talking to someone? How lonesome we all must have been!

Now, I’m surrounded by people who are constantly talking to someone on the phone. In the grocery store, at the restaurant, in the men’s room…

My wife wonders all the time, who are they all talking to?

I’ll never forget the first time I saw a guy talking on his phone in the restroom while standing at the urinal. Really, I thought, you can’t even stop talking long enough to take care of this?

What’s great is, these people talking on their phones in public places think they’re having a private conversation when, the fact is, everyone in the grocery line can hear it. I SAID, LET’S TRY A THREESOME TONIGHT! YOU UP FOR IT?

Another problem with these things: I can’t tell you how many times, when I was a chauffeur, I’d hear a passenger in the back seat say something on their phone, and I would answer, thinking he was speaking to me.

As Rick Perry famously said: Oops. (That’s for all my Texas friends.)

True cellphone story: Friend of mine goes in a public restroom one day. He finds an unoccupied stall, steps in, closes the door, and takes a seat on the toilet.

Guy in the stall next to him – we’ll call him the neighbor – says, “Hi, there!”

Gee, this guy’s friendly, my friend thinks. Guess I’ll be friendly, back. “Hi,” he replies.

The neighbor then asks, “What are you doing?”

Well, shouldn’t that be obvious?, my friend thinks, somewhat puzzled. “Well, if you really have to know, I’m over here taking a s***.”

Couple of seconds later, the neighbor says, “Whatcha got planned for later?”

Okay, now he’s just being nosy. 

“Well, if it’s any business of yours, I’m gonna go home, put my feet up, open a beer, and watch the game,” my friend replied, a little irritated at this point.

“Hang on a second,” the neighbor says to his cellphone, “some a****le in here thinks I’m talking to him!”

Again, OOOOOOPS!

Now, we have Bluetooth, which enables people to walk around with some gizmo in their ear, looking for all the world like they’re talking to themselves.

Of course, that’s great for a guy like me, who’s been talking to himself his whole life; I look normal, now.

 

But, it’s not just the talking…

I figure, chiropractors must be making a ton of money these days.

I mean, the number of cases of neck pain and stiffness has just got to be spiking lately.

Look around you. Everywhere, people are walking around with their heads down, staring at whatever fascinating image, text, etc. is on their smartphone. It makes me wonder how many of them eventually make it to the nearest ER, having just smacked into a tree, a building, a competitive weightlifter, what have you.

I’m telling you, it’s dangerous out there.

I’m worried; I think eye contact will soon become a thing of the past.

And, as if there weren’t enough distractions on those smartphones, the video game sadists have created another one, which involves chasing down fictional characters in real world settings, by way of what’s called Augmented Reality (AR).

And I mean, these players are focused, heads bowed and eyes firmly fixed on the image on that phone. THEY ARE ON A MISSION. You could walk right by them stark naked and never be noticed.  (Not that I recommend any of you try that, you understand.)

It ain’t all fun, though. Some people have been injured, some even killed, either playing this game, or at the hands of someone playing this game. Seriously.

So this message is for all you gamers out there:

You want to play your smartphone games, by all means, go out and have fun. But, please, folks, don’t abandon your common sense in pursuit of these cute creatures.

And, for Pete’s sake, watch where you’re GOING HEY LOOK UP WALL!!!!!

Hey, I Was Just Thinking…

This is how my mind works. You have been warned.

 

Whoever made up the rule that we have to say, “Bless you”, to anyone who sneezes? I’m no priest; I’m not qualified to bless anybody. Besides, are sneezers any more worthy of blessings than the rest of us? I guess people with severe allergies must be the most blessed folks on Earth.

Instead of “Bless you”, can’t I just say, “Good job,” or “Nice distance on that spray,” or “Next time, look away from my lunch, if you don’t mind”?

 

Okay, you’re in a restaurant, you’ve placed your order, and just before your waiter/waitress walks away, you hear, “All right, then, my name’s Jody/Buffy, if you need anything.” At that moment, are you ever tempted to ask:

“What’s your name if I don’t need anything?”

Because, why else would they even say that?

I don’t know, maybe each waiter/waitress/wait thing has a secret identity, which will only be revealed to you if you don’t need anything. So, next time, tell him/her/it you don’t need anything, and see if you find out the Secret Identity. Wouldn’t that be cool?

 

Or, how about when you pick up some food at the drive-thru of your favorite fast food joint? (By the way, why do we drive through a drive-thru? Someone needs Spell Check, I think.) You place your order, and the cashier mumbles back something that sounds like, “Okay, your total is gonna be $25.97 at the first window.”

At that point, do you try to negotiate? “So, how much is it at the second window? How much if I come inside? How much if I tell you my girlfriend’s paying for it? Wait, baby, where you going, I was just…come on, sweetie, get back in the car, I didn’t mean…HEY! COME BACK HERE!!!”

Side note: I have some relatives that are perfectly suited for working a drive-thru, because I can never understand them, either.

 

What is the deal with all the commercials on TV now for prescription drugs? As often as I see them, I can’t help but think, man, we must be in terrible shape in this country. I especially like the ones that help with ED, when they talk about men with erectile dysfunction or premature…..issues.

Are you kidding? All the other things you just freely come out and say on television, but you can’t bring yourselves to say…you know, that?

What really disturbs me, though, is when they start listing the side effects of taking the prescriptions. I mean, I know it’s a CYA kind of thing, but Jiminy Cricket… I always end up thinking, you know, I’ll just take my chances with the illness. Of course, at the bottom of the list is always…death.

I’m sorry, but personally, I don’t consider death a side effect. More like an end effect, you know? I mean, if you experience that, there ain’t much anyone can do for you at that point.

 

Other important issues:

Is it true that the distance to the next roadside rest stop is inversely proportional to the need to go?

Shouldn’t the times when traffic is heaviest be called Crawl Hour?

Can we put a stop to the madness of using redundant phrases like tuna fish sandwich and hot water heater?

How is it, a fitness machine can help you get totally ripped, but then again, so can a joint? Which way sounds easier to you?

I’m developing a new TV series about a University of Texas graduate who becomes a police detective in Hawaii. His catchphrase will be, “Hook ’em, Dano!”

That one was for you, J.

True story: Driving in Dallas one day, my wife and I passed a business with the intriguing name, “CONDOMS TO GO.”

My wife looked at me, and said, I swear to you, “Well, I hope they’re to go!”

Good one, dear.

I tried to imagine what a store named, “CONDOMS FOR HERE” would look like. It gives a whole new meaning to, “Cleanup on Aisle 5!” (Premature issues, and all…)  I mean, do you have to step over people as you browse the store? (Oops, sorry, don’t mind me, carry on…) Do the store personnel ever get in trouble for asking,”May I help you?” And, how late would they stay at work, sitting in the office and watching security footage?

And, would the store sell both “New” and “Gently Used”?

 

Please do not encourage this behavior. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.