It’s All Right to Be Left

 

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Today, August 13th, is International Left Handers Day. A day for my people!

Yes, I am left-handed. A lefty. A southpaw. A weirdo. The English word sinister is derived from the Latin word for “left”. Gauche, French for “left”, is used in English to describe someone who is lacking in the social graces.

See how well thought of we are?

Nevertheless, I’m in an exclusive club; it’s estimated about 11% of the world’s population is left-handed.

Mind you, I’m not strictly southpawed. I throw right-handed. I golf right-handed. I bowl right-handed. I dance right-handed. Wait a minute…

Anyway, most anything else, I do left-handed. Yes, even that.

Writing left-handed is really annoying, though: I smear ink everywhere. I can’t even write in pencil without getting lead all on the side of my hand. And you can forget about felt markers.

Crayons, I remember doing okay with.

I’m sure it’s because pens are made for right handers. They’re not, really, but a lot of other things are. Scissors come to mind right away. We lefties just have to adapt. Like I had to when I broke my left wrist, and had to use my right hand for everything. That was fun. Fortunately, that only lasted a few weeks.

Anyway, I just want to say, take a lefty to lunch today.

And watch him eat.

 

Running With the Crowd

 

My fellow Americans, today I am formally announcing my candidacy for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States.

Why? Because everyone else in the world is.

New York City Mayor Bill DeBlasio announced his candidacy Thursday, which brings the total number of candidates to somewhere around 857, I believe.

Holy Clusterf***, Batman!

You think everyone wants a shot at donnie? They are lining up, friends.

I mean, can you imagine the stage for the debates? There’ll be more candidates than audience members. Just introducing them all will take up about half the allotted debate time. You’d need a program to follow along.

And honestly, I stand as good a chance as most of them.

So, why not? I don’t know a thing about running a country, but we’ve already proven that’s not a prerequisite for getting elected, right?

I mean, the economy, health care, foreign policy, the environment…how tough could this job really be?

So, yeah, vote for me, folks, and I promise to get on this stuff right away.

After all, I don’t have a Twitter account!

Oh, and at the debates, I’ll be the sixteenth guy from the right.

I’ll wave at you.

The Straight Poop (or, Excrementally Yours)

 

NOTE: To you-know-who, don’t let Jason ever read this.

 

So, as many of you know, I drive a shuttle bus in a part of town, all day, five days a week. Actually, I drive from one town to another and back, which is funny when you consider I just drive one mile each direction.

Anyway, both these towns are home to some very well-to-do people.

Which, as occurred to me today, explains the prevalence of pickup trucks rolling through the neighborhood, advertising pet poop pickup service.

I wouldn’t lie about something like this, although “pet poop pickup” is kinda fun to say, I must admit.

I mean, obviously, these well-off folks would never stoop (literally) to doing such a vulgar, disgusting chore so, thank God, there is someone available to do it for them.

Naturally, this raises a few questions:

  • First of all, where were these guys on Career Day in school? They could have seriously altered the trajectory of my life.
  • Who was the first person to say, “Hey, I can get paid for picking up this stuff!”
  • Likewise, who was the first person to say, “Hey, I can pay someone to pick up this stuff!”
  • What kind of experience lends itself to this kind of career? (I’m thinking, ex-Trump staff member, perhaps.)
  • What must the training process be like for this work?
  • Do you get to wear a suit, like those HAZMAT guys wear?
  • What opportunity for advancement is there? Can you get promoted, maybe to Master Scooper? Expert Scooper? Super Duper Scooper?
  • Would you even feel like taking a lunch break? Ever?
  • And why have I seen ads for more than one company? Is there seriously competition for this job?
  • What does it sound like when these guys “talk shop?” Example:

MOE: How’s business?

CURLY: Oh, it’s picking up, how about you?

MOE: Oh, I’m cleaning up, man!

  • Do the dogs get to know you well enough to plan for your visits?
  • Have I really written over 300 words on this topic?

 

I obviously have way too much time to think.

 

I Started a Speech, and Started the Whole World Laughing

 

He literally had the world laughing at him Tuesday.

Speaking before the United Nations General Assembly, President donald trump broke the crowd of world leaders up with this surefire knee-slapper:

In less than two years, my administration has accomplished more than almost any administration in the history of our country,”

Oh, that line just killed.

The assembled world leaders started laughing at him. Laughing at him!

Just think of that. The sheer spectacle of the President of the United States being laughed at in the United Nations.

To which he somewhat sheepishly rejoined: “Didn’t expect that reaction, but that’s okay.” (yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk…)

Probably expected a thunderous ovation. Maybe a parade around the U.N. building.

No. The leaders of the world treated him like it was Open Mic Night at the Improv.

Because they know a joke when they hear one. And when they see one.

 

We need a President who won’t be a laughing stock to the entire World.

Donald Trump tweet, 2014