My fellow Americans, today I am formally announcing my candidacy for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States.

Why? Because everyone else in the world is.

New York City Mayor Bill DeBlasio announced his candidacy Thursday, which brings the total number of candidates to somewhere around 857, I believe.

Holy Clusterf***, Batman!

You think everyone wants a shot at donnie? They are lining up, friends.

I mean, can you imagine the stage for the debates? There’ll be more candidates than audience members. Just introducing them all will take up about half the allotted debate time. You’d need a program to follow along.

And honestly, I stand as good a chance as most of them.

So, why not? I don’t know a thing about running a country, but we’ve already proven that’s not a prerequisite for getting elected, right?

I mean, the economy, health care, foreign policy, the environment…how tough could this job really be?

So, yeah, vote for me, folks, and I promise to get on this stuff right away.

After all, I don’t have a Twitter account!

Oh, and at the debates, I’ll be the sixteenth guy from the right.

I’ll wave at you.