Year End Review

 

B96AE25C-C6AC-43EB-BCE0-E27DB6B115D7

 

As another year draws to a close, I’m still here. Alive.

Now, that may not sound like that big a deal to you, but all my fellow depression sufferers out there can appreciate the significance of that statement, because they know.

They know how much of my time is spent in absolute indifference to everything and everyone, and much of the rest of my time I’m depressed or angry.

They know nobody wants to see any of that, so I try to hide it around other people. Except my poor wife, who gets the whole experience, making her life much tougher than it ought to be.

(I truly hate that.)

They know self-care is not much of a priority, despite focusing most of my attention on me. My doctor tells me exercise helps with depression, but if I don’t care about exercising…

They know that, deep down, I actually hate feeling like this, that I actually want to get better, but I’m my own biggest obstacle to that process. I stopped seeing a therapist; I mean, if I haven’t taken to heart the suggestions she’s offered me already, what’s the use going anymore?

And they know the indifference can occasionally skate out onto the thin ice of desperation, hopelessness and even suicidal thoughts.

So, to still be here – living, breathing, at the end of another year – is, if not an accomplishment, a relief, at least.

Fortunately, I know, worst-case scenario, I have lifelines to hold onto so I don’t fall through the really thin ice.

Which is good to know.

 

I know this is the time of year to be jolly, and I’m sorry if I just dumped a bucket of cold water on that. I just wanted to let you know how I am as we approach a new year. I don’t know what’s in store next year, but somewhere in me is the hope that I can begin to move forward, mentally and physically, toward better health.

Meantime, I promise to have as Merry a Christmas as I can. 😊 Please do the same, all of you. Enjoy family, friends, food, music, decorating, shop…no, not shopping, forget that. But all the rest.

’Tis the season, after all.

 

 

 

11 thoughts on “Year End Review

  1. Congratulations! Each year … each day … IS an accomplishment. Keep it up and someday you’ll be an old f— like me. May you and your wife have a very Merry Christmas … and may the year ahead be your best one so far.

    (Incidentally, your kitties aren’t spoiled. As a cat lover myself, I can assure you of the validity of a well-known quote. “Dogs have friends; Cats have staff.”) >8-)

    Liked by 3 people

  2. To you and Regina, I am praying for your life to be blessed with good health and happiness in the coming year. Please be strong,both and Regina. I will say it again I think you are an awesome person and so wish I could help make your struggles better. You deserve to have peace and healing even if you don’t believe it. You were a smart, funny and awesome kid and I still see that in the man you have grown to be. The older I get the more I know what an amazing blessing everyday is. PS- pets of any kind can never be to spoiled. They bring us a special gift of love. Stay well,have a merry and a happy,we’er old and we deserve it.(repeat after me).

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I am glad you are still here. I know it is tough, but somehow we put one foot in front of the other and just march through the day. Sweat, tears and grit. I have an intense desire to see trump in an orange jump suit, so each new day in the trump Administration gives me something to live for.😎😁

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I concur, agree and applaud the notion of no shopping. If all the time wasted on shopping, plus wondering what to get someone, if they’ll even like it, time spent staring at a screen etc. Was all just spent enjoying the company of others, it would be much more of a worthwhile adventure.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Depression is something which cannot stop in just a day. It takes years to get out of thoughts which weigh you down. Hats off to you for being so strong and open about yourself!! A very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and all the other readers. May this new year makes your lives brighter and bring in happiness.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s