What a Day That Was

 

Wow.

Wednesday was, without a doubt, the hardest day emotionally in a long time for me.

Depression placed a huge rock on my shoulders early in the day, and there it stayed all day long. I could feel the weight of it pushing down on me, getting progressively heavier.

It hurt. Physically hurt.

By the time I arrived home that evening, I was crushed under the weight of it.

Almost to death. At least, wishing for it.

 

I can’t really put my finger on any specific thing that triggered it all. It would be nice if I could, so I’d recognize it next time. (next time??)

I don’t know; it was like anxiety, pessimism, insecurity, self-criticism, and just anyone who wanted to join in, were all waiting on the corner to beat the $#!t out of me when I showed up.

And, boy, did they do a good job. It was just about too much to take.

 

And then, I got home, and I asked my wife to hug me and tell me she loves me while I wept on her shoulder.

So she did. And in the process, she pushed that stupid rock off of me. I so don’t know what I’d do without her.

(Oh, and my cats provided some additional therapy. 🐱 It was appreciated.)

Later, my wife reassured me of all the good things in my life, and there are plenty, I know. But, as I explained to her, the insidious thing about depression is, it persuades you that none of that matters; you’re worthless, and your life sucks, end of story.

It’s mean, y’all.

 

I’m gonna share my good days and bad days with you, just in case any of you out there think you’re alone in this fight. Believe me, you’re not.

I know I should have some kind of defense for this. Something to help me stop this before it spirals out of control.

And maybe I do. I just couldn’t think of it Wednesday.

Also, I may need to ask my psychiatrist for a change of medication. This stuff I’ve been taking for years may not be so effective, anymore.

But, thank goodness, at least I had a lifeline, and all I can say is, if you have a problem with depression or any other mental illness, find a lifeline for you.

I don’t care who; it could just be a stranger at the other end of a phone line who, in that moment of utter desperation, can be the best friend you ever had, and push that rock off of you.

I wish you all no days like the one I just had.

I wish that for me, too.

Thanks for your time.

 

10 thoughts on “What a Day That Was

  1. Believe it or not, I think about you almost every day if I don’t see a post from you or a comment on our South Carolina blogger’s post. Lifelines are important. Meds are important. Strategy is important when I feel it coming on. Most of all I try not to beat myself up over it. It is what it is. Yes, share your good days and bad days. Your wife loves you, your cats love you, and people you don’t even know love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I know what you mean. I spent the firs 40 or so years of my life dealing with a medium level of clinical depression without knowing what it was. For me, the symptoms weren’t obvious. I felt tired most of the time and emotionally flat, but blamed it on being overweight or obtrusive or unlikable or some other excuse. I didn’t know that clinical depression wasn’t just being sad all the time. I didn’t know that clinical depression was different from acute depression. My LCSW suspected my central problem and referred me to a psychiatrist colleague. He prescribed Fluoxetine (Prozac). I was lucky. The SSRI helped and has worked for me for 20-25 years.

    Liked by 1 person

    • That’s great. I’m glad you got help, and it’s working for you. Like you, I never suspected I had depression; I just knew I was angry all the time which, as I later learned, is how depression often shows up in men. Getting help is so important.

      Like

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