Wednesday was, without a doubt, the hardest day emotionally in a long time for me.
Depression placed a huge rock on my shoulders early in the day, and there it stayed all day long. I could feel the weight of it pushing down on me, getting progressively heavier.
It hurt. Physically hurt.
By the time I arrived home that evening, I was crushed under the weight of it.
Almost to death. At least, wishing for it.
I can’t really put my finger on any specific thing that triggered it all. It would be nice if I could, so I’d recognize it next time. (next time??)
I don’t know; it was like anxiety, pessimism, insecurity, self-criticism, and just anyone who wanted to join in, were all waiting on the corner to beat the $#!t out of me when I showed up.
And, boy, did they do a good job. It was just about too much to take.
And then, I got home, and I asked my wife to hug me and tell me she loves me while I wept on her shoulder.
So she did. And in the process, she pushed that stupid rock off of me. I so don’t know what I’d do without her.
(Oh, and my cats provided some additional therapy. 🐱 It was appreciated.)
Later, my wife reassured me of all the good things in my life, and there are plenty, I know. But, as I explained to her, the insidious thing about depression is, it persuades you that none of that matters; you’re worthless, and your life sucks, end of story.
It’s mean, y’all.
I’m gonna share my good days and bad days with you, just in case any of you out there think you’re alone in this fight. Believe me, you’re not.
I know I should have some kind of defense for this. Something to help me stop this before it spirals out of control.
And maybe I do. I just couldn’t think of it Wednesday.
Also, I may need to ask my psychiatrist for a change of medication. This stuff I’ve been taking for years may not be so effective, anymore.
But, thank goodness, at least I had a lifeline, and all I can say is, if you have a problem with depression or any other mental illness, find a lifeline for you.
I don’t care who; it could just be a stranger at the other end of a phone line who, in that moment of utter desperation, can be the best friend you ever had, and push that rock off of you.
I wish you all no days like the one I just had.
I wish that for me, too.
Thanks for your time.