Month: January 2018

A Descent into the Maelstrom (Apologies to Mr. Poe)

/ justdrivewillyou / 2 Comments

 

I tell you, friends, this depression thing just sucks, sometimes.

It can come up on me at any moment and pull me down into a vortex of fear and anger that eventually has me feeling as if I’m no good for anything or anyone.

It’s usually triggered by me saying or doing something wrong (which is annoyingly often), but sometimes, all I have to do is think of something I said or did wrong, and down I go.

In that whirlpool of darkness, I see all my failures, all my insecurities, all my wounds, self-inflicted or not, and I feel irretrievably hopeless, and I wonder, really, what is the use, anymore?

It doesn’t make me suicidal, but it does sometimes have me longing for Mr. Grim Reaper to show up.

Because, in those times, I just feel so thoroughly worn down. And I’m ready to simply give up.

And then, it passes, just like always, and I’m back out of the vortex, and life goes on.

 

Yes, I’m on medication, yes, I see a therapist, but that doesn’t mean depression keeps its distance every hour of every day. Unfortunately.

I guess, the one good thing is that, having experienced this plenty of times, I’m self-aware enough at this point to know it will pass in time, and so, I just have to be in it for a little while, and it won’t result in me doing anything harmful.

Unless crying is harmful.

 

I’m telling you this for two reasons.

One, in the spirit of being honest with you about how frightening my otherwise wonderful life can sometimes be. (And it is mostly wonderful, really.)

And two, to assure any of you out there who think you can handle depression on your own:

No, you can’t.

I got help for it, and it can still knock me down, sometimes. If you try to beat it alone, it can kill you. Please, get help. There is no shame in doing that.

BTW, I’m doing just fine, today, thanks. At the moment.

Hit Reset

/ justdrivewillyou / Leave a comment

 

Okay, truth time: how many of you have already gone off the diet you started on the 1st?

I’m sorry. That was cruel, wasn’t it? Forget I asked.

Anyway, here we are. A brand new year is upon us. Is it just me, or did the last year go by in a blink? Jeez, before you know it, it’ll be Christmas time again.

I’m sorry, I did it again, didn’t I? Just SHUT UP, WILL YA??

 

Okay, no more clowning. Seriously, welcome to a brand new year. I hope it has started well for you.

Many of us use January 1st as a marker, a place to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. It’s life’s Reset button. Whatever happened last year is last year’s news; it’s in the rearview mirror, getting ever smaller until disappearing over the horizon line. We savor the good memories, and shed the bad ones.

Easier said than done, I know. Believe me, I know.

But now, our eyes are on the future, who stands before us with both hands full; in one hand, exciting opportunity and possibility, and in the other hand, unsettling fear and dread.

Most of us will take a little from each hand, because we need a healthy balance of fear and optimism, right? Too much dread is just too depressing, but too much optimism seems a bit unrealistic, doesn’t it?

The more depressed among us – like yours truly – will probably take more from the fear and dread hand, because that’s our comfort zone, it’s our default mode. We’d rather not be that way, but unfortunately, it’s not as simple as making different choices. If only…

However, I will work harder this year at picking from the other hand; I need to. Because there have been days in the last year when I had no optimism whatsoever about the future. (I don’t think I should have to explain why.) I thought we were absolutely doomed. Everything looked bleak and hopeless.

And yet, somehow, we’re still here.

There is still much to fear as this new year commences. Some of it is fear of the unknown, some of it of the all too well-known.

But this is a good time for me to clear my head and focus on what I need for this to be a better year. Do I need to be healthier? More loving? More open and honest? More trusting? More attentive to others? More appreciative of life, of nature, of people?

Less fearful?

Probably all that, and a lot more.

It’s a good time for a new beginning. I look forward to it.

Mostly.