WARNING: If you are easily offended by discussion of male organs (and I don’t mean Hammond or Yamaha), it’s best you stop reading here. See you next time.

That just leaves the curious and the perverted, so let’s proceed.

Guys, ya gotta admit, this thing is a pain sometimes, you know it? This thing that dangles between our legs.

Well, dangles for some. For the rest, it more closely resembles a baby bird in a nest.

Except for first thing in the morning, right, fellas? When it’s popped up like those things they have in turkeys now to tell you when the bird’s done cooking. Only, in your case, it’s your bladder saying, “WAKE UP, SPARKY! I NEED DRAINING!!”

Okay, so you get out of bed (I hope) and go into the bathroom to do your Morning Chore. Once you get started, you notice hey, that’s not where I’m aiming, what’s going on? Guess I’ll point it this way…Whoa, why are you going that way, now? Redirect, redirect…oh, NO, two directions at once?? MAYDAY, MAYDAY, MAYDAY!!!

This is why you need a trough in the bathroom, guys, to remedy the problem of inaccuracy.

And, just think: as you get older, you get to experience this in the middle of the night, too! Maybe several times. Sweet dreams.

At least, you can practice your basketball skills during the day whenever you have to go. (Here a dribble, there a dribble…)

Okay, now, just a few words about another annoying situation:

Repositioning.

You know what I mean. You sit down, you have to readjust. You stand up, you have to readjust. You emerge from the water in your swimsuit, you have to readjust. You start to feel like the pinsetter at a bowling alley. It reminds me of when I was a kid, watching my dad up on the roof of our house, moving the antenna around to get a better picture on the television.

Ah, but then, there’s that other function for this thing, am I right, dudes? The one that, starting in adolescence, occupies your mind pretty much all the time.

Now, first of all, let’s discuss the presentation. The narrator in one of Stephen King’s novels rhetorically asked, “Is there anything more unintentionally comical than a sexually aroused man?”

My reply to that would have to be a firm (sorry), “No!”

I mean, really, it’s laughable. Depending on your vantage point, it looks like either a coat rack, a toll booth gate, or the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

I remember one time I took this girl on a date to a water park. We’d already been down a few water slides, and were waiting to go down another one. As I stood behind her in line, I began to realize, I was faced with two options: I could get up closer to her, and let her know exactly how I felt about her, or I could stand back away, and let everybody know exactly how I felt about her, including any astronauts orbiting overhead.

Stupid swimsuit.

Now, to the function. As you know, guys, there are three pivotal events that occur in your young life, predicated on the moment you first look at a girl and, instead of thinking, yecch!, you think, hmmmm…

And eventually, WOW!!

One, Old Faithful erupts for the first time, a seminally climactic event. (sorry!)

Two, you make the discovery that you can have some FUN with this thing!

Three, you make the more important discovery that you can have some fun with this thing WITH SOMEONE ELSE!!

And THAT, gentlemen, is when the Thing takes control of the logical part of your brain. Seriously.

Remember, though: How long it stays in control is ultimately up to you. It can be your ally or your mortal enemy. As they say in the ads, enjoy responsibly.

Now, a word about those other things dangling down there, except in cold weather, in which case you have to send out a search party:

I am convinced their primary function is to itch uncontrollably in the most awkward social situations.

Any argument, guys?