It’s Monday night.
Are you ready for some high-powered offense?
Some lockdown defense?
A few trick plays?
Some questionable game planning?
A few blown calls by the ref that could be controversial?
And, especially, enough bad blood between the opponents to possibly escalate this contest into an all-out war?
Then you, my friend, are ready for some…
That’s right, America, this Monday night, you can tune in to the first of three televised debates between Hillary “What Emails?” Clinton and Donald “Boy Hands” Trump. As former NFL braggart Terrell Owens once infamously said, “Getcha popcorn ready.”
I mean, let’s face it, these debates have long since stopped offering anything of substance; just a bunch of well-rehearsed responses to generally unchallenging questions. The candidates will say what they think they should say in order to win your vote. So, the only reason to watch them anymore is for the entertainment value.
Well, this time, there should be plenty of that, because we got us a wild card.
Donnie treats every debate like A Night At The Improv. Preparation and rehearsal are for wimps; he’s just going to dazzle us with his spontaneous brilliance.
Which is a statement dying for a punchline, but I’ll refrain.
Fortunately, every answer he will give can be reduced to one very simple statement: “It’s gonna be great, folks, trust me.”
Like those Trump University students trusted you? Like all those unpaid Trump campaign staffers trusted you? Like that?
Tell me, Donnie, how great is it for them right now?
Hil, meanwhile, is all about preparation, as you would expect. She will be prepared out the WAZOO. Even now, she is probably cramming, researching, rehearsing, studying game film, all to get ready for the big matchup. She’ll be so full of information, if someone asks her if she’d like a drink of water, she’ll probably give a ten-minute recitation on the importance of conserving natural resources.
And the minute the referee, er, moderator, NBC’s Lester Holt, brings up the emails, (you know he will; he learned nothing from Matt Lauer) she may bust a spring, her head may spin around, and her eyes may light up and say, “TILT, TILT, TILT…”
You know, the more I think about it, the more I think this debate is going to sound suspiciously like a conversation between Muhammad Ali and that robot from the show, “Lost in Space:”
TRUMP: I AM THE GREATEST!!!
CLINTON: My sensors indicate the presence of aliens.
TRUMP: I’LL SHOCK THE WORLD!! I’LL SHOCK THE WORLD!!
CLINTON: That does not compute.
TRUMP: YOU GOIN’ DOWN, SUCKER!!
CLINTON (arms flailing): DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER!!!
Anyway, it promises to be a treat. Don’t miss it.
You’ll only miss the first half of Falcons vs. Saints.