Honestly, people…

What did we ever do before we had cellphones?

When we actually had to go more than two minutes without talking to someone? How lonesome we all must have been!

Now, I’m surrounded by people who are constantly talking to someone on the phone. In the grocery store, at the restaurant, in the men’s room…

My wife wonders all the time, who are they all talking to?

I’ll never forget the first time I saw a guy talking on his phone in the restroom while standing at the urinal. Really, I thought, you can’t even stop talking long enough to take care of this?

What’s great is, these people talking on their phones in public places think they’re having a private conversation when, the fact is, everyone in the grocery line can hear it. I SAID, LET’S TRY A THREESOME TONIGHT! YOU UP FOR IT?

Another problem with these things: I can’t tell you how many times, when I was a chauffeur, I’d hear a passenger in the back seat say something on their phone, and I would answer, thinking he was speaking to me.

As Rick Perry famously said: Oops. (That’s for all my Texas friends.)

True cellphone story: Friend of mine goes in a public restroom one day. He finds an unoccupied stall, steps in, closes the door, and takes a seat on the toilet.

Guy in the stall next to him – we’ll call him the neighbor – says, “Hi, there!”

Gee, this guy’s friendly, my friend thinks. Guess I’ll be friendly, back. “Hi,” he replies.

The neighbor then asks, “What are you doing?”

Well, shouldn’t that be obvious?, my friend thinks, somewhat puzzled. “Well, if you really have to know, I’m over here taking a s***.”

Couple of seconds later, the neighbor says, “Whatcha got planned for later?”

Okay, now he’s just being nosy. 

“Well, if it’s any business of yours, I’m gonna go home, put my feet up, open a beer, and watch the game,” my friend replied, a little irritated at this point.

“Hang on a second,” the neighbor says to his cellphone, “some a****le in here thinks I’m talking to him!”

Again, OOOOOOPS!

Now, we have Bluetooth, which enables people to walk around with some gizmo in their ear, looking for all the world like they’re talking to themselves.

Of course, that’s great for a guy like me, who’s been talking to himself his whole life; I look normal, now.

 

But, it’s not just the talking…

I figure, chiropractors must be making a ton of money these days.

I mean, the number of cases of neck pain and stiffness has just got to be spiking lately.

Look around you. Everywhere, people are walking around with their heads down, staring at whatever fascinating image, text, etc. is on their smartphone. It makes me wonder how many of them eventually make it to the nearest ER, having just smacked into a tree, a building, a competitive weightlifter, what have you.

I’m telling you, it’s dangerous out there.

I’m worried; I think eye contact will soon become a thing of the past.

And, as if there weren’t enough distractions on those smartphones, the video game sadists have created another one, which involves chasing down fictional characters in real world settings, by way of what’s called Augmented Reality (AR).

And I mean, these players are focused, heads bowed and eyes firmly fixed on the image on that phone. THEY ARE ON A MISSION. You could walk right by them stark naked and never be noticed.  (Not that I recommend any of you try that, you understand.)

It ain’t all fun, though. Some people have been injured, some even killed, either playing this game, or at the hands of someone playing this game. Seriously.

So this message is for all you gamers out there:

You want to play your smartphone games, by all means, go out and have fun. But, please, folks, don’t abandon your common sense in pursuit of these cute creatures.

And, for Pete’s sake, watch where you’re GOING HEY LOOK UP WALL!!!!!