This is how my mind works. You have been warned.

 

Whoever made up the rule that we have to say, “Bless you”, to anyone who sneezes? I’m no priest; I’m not qualified to bless anybody. Besides, are sneezers any more worthy of blessings than the rest of us? I guess people with severe allergies must be the most blessed folks on Earth.

Instead of “Bless you”, can’t I just say, “Good job,” or “Nice distance on that spray,” or “Next time, look away from my lunch, if you don’t mind”?

 

Okay, you’re in a restaurant, you’ve placed your order, and just before your waiter/waitress walks away, you hear, “All right, then, my name’s Jody/Buffy, if you need anything.” At that moment, are you ever tempted to ask:

“What’s your name if I don’t need anything?”

Because, why else would they even say that?

I don’t know, maybe each waiter/waitress/wait thing has a secret identity, which will only be revealed to you if you don’t need anything. So, next time, tell him/her/it you don’t need anything, and see if you find out the Secret Identity. Wouldn’t that be cool?

 

Or, how about when you pick up some food at the drive-thru of your favorite fast food joint? (By the way, why do we drive through a drive-thru? Someone needs Spell Check, I think.) You place your order, and the cashier mumbles back something that sounds like, “Okay, your total is gonna be $25.97 at the first window.”

At that point, do you try to negotiate? “So, how much is it at the second window? How much if I come inside? How much if I tell you my girlfriend’s paying for it? Wait, baby, where you going, I was just…come on, sweetie, get back in the car, I didn’t mean…HEY! COME BACK HERE!!!”

Side note: I have some relatives that are perfectly suited for working a drive-thru, because I can never understand them, either.

 

What is the deal with all the commercials on TV now for prescription drugs? As often as I see them, I can’t help but think, man, we must be in terrible shape in this country. I especially like the ones that help with ED, when they talk about men with erectile dysfunction or premature…..issues.

Are you kidding? All the other things you just freely come out and say on television, but you can’t bring yourselves to say…you know, that?

What really disturbs me, though, is when they start listing the side effects of taking the prescriptions. I mean, I know it’s a CYA kind of thing, but Jiminy Cricket… I always end up thinking, you know, I’ll just take my chances with the illness. Of course, at the bottom of the list is always…death.

I’m sorry, but personally, I don’t consider death a side effect. More like an end effect, you know? I mean, if you experience that, there ain’t much anyone can do for you at that point.

 

Other important issues:

Is it true that the distance to the next roadside rest stop is inversely proportional to the need to go?

Shouldn’t the times when traffic is heaviest be called Crawl Hour?

Can we put a stop to the madness of using redundant phrases like tuna fish sandwich and hot water heater?

How is it, a fitness machine can help you get totally ripped, but then again, so can a joint? Which way sounds easier to you?

I’m developing a new TV series about a University of Texas graduate who becomes a police detective in Hawaii. His catchphrase will be, “Hook ’em, Dano!”

That one was for you, J.

True story: Driving in Dallas one day, my wife and I passed a business with the intriguing name, “CONDOMS TO GO.”

My wife looked at me, and said, I swear to you, “Well, I hope they’re to go!”

Good one, dear.

I tried to imagine what a store named, “CONDOMS FOR HERE” would look like. It gives a whole new meaning to, “Cleanup on Aisle 5!” (Premature issues, and all…)  I mean, do you have to step over people as you browse the store? (Oops, sorry, don’t mind me, carry on…) Do the store personnel ever get in trouble for asking,”May I help you?” And, how late would they stay at work, sitting in the office and watching security footage?

And, would the store sell both “New” and “Gently Used”?

 

Please do not encourage this behavior. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.